Another Midnight Conversation

Warm hues of light, cast by my salt lamp, subtly permeate the dark room in a soft glow. I lay on my mattress, snuggled under my covers, watching the ceiling fan spin around and around. Its soft hum, combined with the distant sound of the highway, and louder thud of the air conditioning, makes a oddly comforting wall of white noise. Tomorrow is Friday, the last day of a very hectic first week back in nursing school and the first day of knowing that my beloved aunt has the official diagnosis of stage four ovarian cancer. We’ve known about her diagnosis of cancer for a few weeks, but it didn’t truly sink in for me until today, when all the testing was finished and the pathology reports were in, making the diagnosis complete.  I close my eyes and try to keep my thoughts from wandering. It doesn’t work. I turn over, readjust my pillow, and try again. This same routine happens for another ten minutes and, even though it hasn’t been that long, I know that it will be futile to try any longer. It’s one of those nights.

On these nights, when my body is exhausted but my mind refuses to sleep, I start to pray. God always talks to me on these nights. It’s easier to hear him when the rest of the world is asleep instead of being a distraction. The clock hints 01:15 and tonight’s conversation topic: Karen. I thank God for the peace that He has instilled in our family during this life altering time. Talking to my grandma when she was at Karen’s house before Karen’s oophorectomy, she told me, “Abby, it’s like walking through a miracle.” She explained that Karen had no problems getting into see some of the best doctors on short notice, and that her surgeon was only going to be in town one day for the next several weeks, which just happened to be the day that Karen needed her surgery. She talked about all the cards, prayers, and encouragement that has been pouring in to the home daily in forms of food, gifts, and letters. “It’s like walking through a miracle.” Grandma said. I pray that it continues to be a walk through a miracle. I stop. Listen. The darkness of the night seems to match the darkness of the situation. Suddenly, I feel God’s arms wrap around me, pulling me close to Him.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

Psalm 139: 7-12

As a sat wrapped in his arms, He told me to turn on a song I had been listening to during the day. The song is ‘There Will Be Time’ by Mumford and Sons.

I said, “Let me remember my song in the night;
let me meditate in my heart.”

Psalm 77:6 

Meditating on this song, I was refilled with the passionate, joyful, love given only by God. He never promised that life would be easy. In fact, he guaranteed that it would be hard, filled with agony and suffering. But He also guaranteed that walking through it with Him would be worth it. And, it is! It so is!  Just like I have my best conversations with Him at the darkest time of the day, the darkest times of life can lead to having the closest walk with Him. ‘For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control,’ designed to paint a picture of a mighty God ‘who works all things together for good.’

There Will Be Time 

Listen to me, I want to tell you something
The reason I love you is because
You are the only one who has taught me how to love
And appreciate life

But in the cold light, I live, to love and adore you
It’s all that I am, it’s all that I have
In the cold light, I live, I only live for you
It’s all that I am, it’s all that I have

To feel hurt and to feel joy
Feelings that come from loving you,
Situations can change,
between the morning and the night
But our love for each other stays the same,
It stays strong; It is constant and it remains true

So open up my eyes to a new light
I wandered ’round your darkened land all night
But I lift up my eyes to a new high
And indeed there will be time

But in the cold light, I live to love and adore you
It’s all that I am, it’s all that I have
In the cold light, I live, I’ll only live for you
It’s all that I am, it’s all that I have

And in the cold light, I live, To love and adore you,
It’s all that I am, it’s all that I have
And in the cold light, I live, I’ll only live for you,
It’s all that I am, it’s all that I have
Why do I keep falling?
Why do I keep falling?

There is a time, a time to love,
A time to sing, a time to shine,
A time to stay, a time to go
There is a time, a time to cry,
A time to love, a time to,
There is a time, a time to sing,
A time to love

And in the cold light, I live to love and adore you
It’s all that I am, it’s all that I have
And in the cold light, I live to love and adore you
It’s all that I am, it’s all that I have
Why do I keep falling?
Why do I keep falling?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmycEKdD0b0

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